& sang to him,
he doesn't ask me to sing anymore but i still do
because sometimes i think we need things we don't ask for
& when i start to sing his eyes start to droop, sometimes just for a second
& i love that his brain is so wired into 'his song' that it causes uncontrollable sleep starters :)
we talked for a minute & then i told him something about what we needed to do next week
& he said 'whatever.'
& i promptly unscrewed the light bulb from his lamp.
'no reading for you!' my action proclaimed.
& as i closed his door (very calmly for how annoyed i was)
i was thinking
i hate WHATEVER!
it's the worst thing to say!
it's so disrespectful & stupid!
whatever needs to die!'
& when brian got home from ju jitsu i told him about it
with the waving of arms & emphatic tones of a person,
well, of a person who really hates 'whatever.'
last night i was really angry at whatever.
a while ago i subscribed to this thing called 'notes from the universe'.
almost every day i get an email with a note. from the universe.
sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's thoughtful,
it's always encouraging
& today it was this:
I really mean that.
Whatever, whatever, whatever.
You can have it.
Anything you want,
& there it was.
the best answer to my rantings.
whatever is not always awful.
whatever is not always disrespectful.
whatever does not need to die.
this morning i really liked whatever.
& i started to think,
like a person whose kids aren't up yet has time to do.
whatever means different things to different people.
whatever is how life is most of the time.
whatever is gray.
whatever is whatever.
i love black & white art,
black & white photos are so lovely,
i love to look at black & white fashion
but i wear gray.
my grays & my whatevers are where what i believe meet my real life.
i believe that spending time with my kids is essential,
my real life is sometimes i just want them to go upstairs so i can be alone.
i believe that being healthy & fit is important,
my real life is that there are so many other things i want to focus my time & heart on.
i believe that church is a good thing,
my real life is that we are having a really hard time
not only finding a church,
but finding the reasons to go.
& even though there is guilt associated with all of those things
i am okay with the gray parts.
because having time alone, focusing my heart & exploring the feelings i have about church
are just as worthwhile as quality time, fitness & going to church.
the grays & the whatevers?
that's where i find me.
& i am so whatever about it.